Wellcum

I’m firing up this doohickey again because why not? I had a couple of entries posted when I first launched this site three years ago but didn’t keep up with it so I deleted them. They were boring anyways, and fresh starts during this mandated quarantine are as popular as Flipping the Switch on TikTok and How to Make A Tiger King.

I couldn’t figure out how to start this next paragraph because I got distracted looking out the window to watch someone attempt to parallel park, admittedly a favorite past time, and what was once a rare occurrence is now common so my heart is very happy. The judge’s verdict: an absolute failure. It was like watching a dude smash his flaccid floppy penis into a brick wall while he looks me dead in the eye and claims he’s passionately making love to a woman. Oh, and after the failed attempt they just gave up and drove off to attempt another session of passionate lovemaking. Godspeed

I was going to list off some things I plan to talk about on this blog but we’ll just make it easy and say I’m going to talk about whatever the feckkk I want. Let the previous paragraph provide big data on what kind of lunacy you’ll be getting into: overreactions on mundane first-world issues to deep dives into my pysche. I have a spectrum of ideas on what I want this blog to be but it will mostly act as a portal of context to support content.

This will also refrain me from ranting on social media. I’m inclined to engage a filter suited for the public, and although this blog is also public, the difference here is that posting long-winded rants that show up on your feed makes it feel like I’m sending you unsolicited peepee pics. I don’t want you to be subjected to it, so instead you now have the option. So a thank you in advance for anyone who makes the conscientious choice to indulge in this.

How Did I Get Here?

Frankly I’m tired of telling this story so I’ll probably share more in depth blogs on the major contributing factors in the future, but to simplify it in order to get through this blog: I’M GOING THROUGH SOME SHIT. To elaborate a little further: several gut wrenching events materialized in a condensed timeline of three months; one stacked on top of the other, all separate incidents but still seemingly linked through rippling implications of deep childhood traumas.

“Change is uncomfortable and there is no growth in comfort.”
- J. Cost, an excerpt from his book titled “I Actually Don’t Know Shit, Don’t Listen to Me”

My life was falling apart but when you hold out for that light at the tunnel’s end, you realize that you’re simply just playing a game with resistance and that pieces are moving accordingly on the chess board. The landscape makes unfavorable changes but I constantly have to remind myself that surviving adversity and humility is predicated on my willingness to embrace and ability to adapt. However, a crippling pain comes as process in healing. Sometimes the only way to really get up and do something is to just really get up and do something, but that’s not an easy feat when everything is swamp ass and you want to be NO-THING in this plane of existence. After crying every day for a month (not a dramatization) and being a complete ass to myself and those directly around me, I was able to gather up what little shards of my life I felt I had left to start building a new reality for myself.

I considered a couple things I had already been working towards before the good lord shoved his wrench up my ass: establishing my brand and embarking on nomadic ventures. In finally acknowledging the discontent of my circumstances in Colorado, generously sprinkled with the aforementioned flaming dumpster of personal turmoil, I took this as a true sign to embark on achieving these goals.

These goals formed from a simple practice in thought: “Am I happy with who I am, and am I doing what makes me happy?” In a climate of confusion in recognizing the difference in what truly brings you joy and joys coming from ego-centric forces, i.e. social acceptance or materialism, I’ve narrowed it down to one discouraging but realistic thought: All of this is temporary. Relationships can end and loved ones will die. Any material possessions you own can be taken away from you at any point. Nature is a machine that will continue to keep the gears running and doesn’t give a hamster’s butt about how you feel about it, and when lives and luxuries are taken from us, you’re left with one thing: your self. This is not to say you can’t or shouldn’t enjoy the finer things; they are temporary after all and you should always get it while the gettin’ is good. It’s the codependency that’ll hit hard when the doodoo hits the fan, and I feel we’re seeing this happen on a global scale as this pandemic shocks us into an uncomfortable state of reflection. I think for the past several years, people have realized that life is short and the biggest casualty of participating in life’s rat race is our time.

So just like that, I decided to pack my shit and leave. I downsized most of my existence into a back pack, save musical instruments and a medium box I left behind in Colorado that is full of art I’ve collected over the years.

Los Angeles / Topanga Canyon

My good friend Joe provided the catalyst to come out to LA, starting it off by house sitting for he and his partner while they would vacation in Italy. This was in the beginning of March, when everything started getting real, so they ended up cancelling. This was the point where I started to freak out that maybe this wasn’t a great time to be doing what I set out to do… ooooops.

So instead Joe and I rented a little cabin in Topanga Canyon for fives days and had ourselves a little musical retreat. We came up with almost ten tracks within the first few days, and just laid back for the last two. It was pretty incredible to see what the two of us were capable of coming up with so easily on the spot. I guess all things considered, we are seasoned musicians that met seventeen years ago and quickly established a strong bond through music (and AIM and MSN conversations that hardly has a different cadence from the conversations we have to this day).

During that week things started getting weirder: Starbucks was no longer letting customers use their own cups, I started seeing more masks and gloves, and I wasn’t sure if I was going enjoy the luxury of wiping my poopshooter with a dead tree ever again. I remember having a conversation with Joe and he asked, “what if this is just life for the next few months, or even longer?” I gave myself a minute to let that reality sink in, and I just couldn’t see it. Maybe I was just in denial but more likely I was already putting my tinfoil hat on and was suspicious of the timing of everything. You hate to see it but damn I think he might have been right…

San Diego

I spent that weekend in San Diego to hang out with my brother whom I hadn’t seen in fourteen years. This was my second time seeing him ever in my entire life, making the last visit the first time I’d ever met him (he is my half-brother, sharing the same dad). The first time we met, he paid me a “surprise” visit for my graduation (surprise is in quotations because the person I was dating at the time completely spoiled the surprise and I had to act surprised, but this was my first time meeting him so I was excited regardless).

It was his birthday weekend and it was a real hoot, but strange in that I kind of felt like I was hanging out with a stranger. We were never on bad terms but we rarely kept in touch over the years. He and I could not be anymore different and the same.

We had grown-ass man conversations, something I was not capable of having at the tender of age of eighteen, when we first met. This came at a perfect time considering all the bullshit I was going through. It was through this bonding that I realized that we definitely share the same blood. We both have a similar goofiness about us and it was fun giving each other shit like brothers generally do. We now keep in touch and we’ve talked more in the past two weeks than we did during the fourteen year gap of not seeing each other. I challenged him to see who could get more gainz during the quarantine, and even though he hasn’t worked out in a couple of years and developed a very impressive beer gut, he could still probably destroy me because he’s a soldier. My push up limit is still twenty reps a set. I am weenie.

Los Angeles, Again

The next week I was in a panic because all my plans were getting flushed into the sewer. I stayed at a hostel for a week until I was supposed to head out to San Luis Obispo for a Workaway, where I would be enjoying the outdoors, helping the hosts build their barnyards and painting a mural on one of their containers. I was praying that they would not cancel because of the circumstances, and we were gold up until the very last minute when they decided to postpone. I was disappointed to say the least, and panic ensued once more as I felt I had no where to go. Travel restrictions heightened, and no sensible person was willing to open up their homes to a potential transmitter, including my family. For the first time in my life I felt I could not turn to family and friends because it would literally put lives in danger. All the garbage I was dealing with before all of this came back and I had more breakdowns. I had never felt so hopeless in my life.

Long Beach

So I am here in Long Beach, renting out a room in an apartment I found through AirBnB. I really wanted to be on a farm and/or outdoors during this madness, but after a few weeks of being here I realize how thankful I am for the luxuries and safety I’ve been granted. Through the magical graces of hey-zeus I was lead to a host who happens to be a social worker and works with the homeless. She was very sympathetic to my situation, and because I’m not an asshat of a human she expressed how much she enjoys having me around so we are roommates until the world narrative simmers down.

For the next blog, I’ll get more into what I’ve been up to since being here in Long Beach. Even though this wasn’t my preferred way of riding the apocalypse out, I have been provided a space that allows me to continue working on my brand in order to support myself through freelancing and commissions.

Shout out to the homies who have made it possible for me to survive through these trying times. It’s not just the monetary support, but the love and other small gestures of support that really help me get by. In the mean time, consider subscribing to my Patreon for exclusive content!

Enjoy a preview:

Giving the vlog thing a shot. Weird times right? www.Patreon.com/PlanetJCost

If you made it this far, thank you. Until next time.
Wash your butt.
- J.

P.S. Happy 420’s Eve, don’t forget to spark one while you tune into premiere The Midnight Gospel on Netflix.

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